Sexy Games to Rekindle the Spark

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May 19th, 2015

Does your love life need a little reigniting? Or do you want to surprise your partner with something that will make them run back for more? Why not invest in a sexy game to rekindle the spark or stoke the flames of desire? There are lots of products on the market to try. You can go to a romantic items boutique in your local area. Or you can shop for and purchase items online. Lots of places disguise where you bought it from. So no need of getting embarrassed if someone sees your receipt or credit card statement, and you won’t be tipping off your lover either. Why not pick up a pair of sexy dice? They have kinds for role play and more. Decks of cards are available too. One card game, much like war declares that the loser should remove a piece of clothing, or do delightful little teasing things to their partner. There are lots of risqué board and party games out there to try. Who doesn’t love a game of Twister, a game that got your teenage pulse racing when getting a little close to someone on the mat? Well today they have Twister bed sheets. It comes with two pillow cases, a flat sheet and a fitted sheet. It’s fun to get all twisted up in bed together. Though it’s no longer in production, you can still find it in boutiques and on Ebay.

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Darts for foreplay is fun. Those sharp points flying through the air and wondering where they will land will give you a thrill. It’s like a normal dartboard. But instead of points your lover receives commands such as “Rub my neck,” “Kiss my navel” and “Remove your shirt.” These orders get hotter and hotter the closer you get to the bulls eye, as it should be.  Do you remember playing with the Magic 8-ball? Now there is a hot pink dating version. You can shake it and say things like “Does my date want to make out with me?” Squeal when you hear answers like “Absolutely!” or “No Way!” Why not take your sweetie by the hand and head off to Spencer’s, a love boutique or your local mall to scout out what is available? If you want to set up one of your own, why not a sexy scavenger hunt? You can set up clues all over the house. And the prize at the end can be you. Strip poker is an oldie but goodie. Put a new spin on spin the bottle. Or play a board game you already have but add in your own tantalizing twist. Put your imagination to the test.

When couples are out of sync about sex

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May 13th, 2015

By Kelly Wallace, CNN

Get a group of married women together and the topic of sex — or more specifically how their partners want it more than they do — invariably comes up.

“Why can’t we be more in sync?” many women wonder. “Why don’t we want to have sex as much as our husbands do?”

Those were just two of the many questions a group of us tackled during a candid conversation about sex recently with therapist Julie Holland, CNN legal analyst Sunny Hostin, Leslie Yazel, executive editor of Cosmopolitan and me.

First, to any woman who feels this way, you are not alone, says Holland, author of “Moody Bitches: The Truth About the Drugs You’re Taking, the Sleep You’re Missing, the Sex You’re Not Having and What’s Really Making You Crazy.”

“Mismatched libidos are the norm,” said Holland, a psychiatrist who has practiced in New York for 20 years.

And it’s not always the men who are wanting it more. Some women desire sex more frequently than their male partners. And same-sex couples grapple with the issue, too.

Holland says since our sex drives are rarely 100% in sync in relationships, we need to be honest with ourselves and our partners about what we want when it comes to sex and when we want it.

“Sometimes you want a gourmet dinner and you want roasted chicken and a potato galette and at other times, you’re OK with nuggets and fries and you’re in a hurry,” she said. “You have to be able to sort of communicate where you are in your (menstrual) cycle because your libido is very much tied into fertility.”

She continued, “If you are not on the pill and you’re a free-range cycling woman, you’re going to be more libidinous when you’re fertile.”

‘Men warm up much more quickly than women’

 

Transition time, many women say, is also crucial. I’ve had friends joke that they simply can’t go immediately from emptying the dishwasher to sexual encounter, while the same shift is no problem for their husbands.

“Men warm up much more quickly than women do,” said Holland, noting research that shows that a man can orgasm in about four minutes while it may take a woman 20 to 30 minutes to climax during sex.

“So when a man and a woman get together to have sex and the man can easily climax in four or five minutes but the woman takes a half hour, what do you do with that discrepancy?”

Yazel of Cosmopolitian said her magazine’s recent orgasm survey of women 18 to 40 showed that time to get in the mood is critical for many women.

“What we found was that the reason that women couldn’t have orgasms most of the time was that they just reported they just couldn’t get over the edge, and to me that says you didn’t have a transition. You weren’t quite in the mood and so I think that’s the real issue, is sort of making sure that you’re ready to go there.”

Hostin, who’s also a mother of two, said yes, women need more transition time, but her belief is that if your husband wants to have sex, then you have sex with your husband. You don’t turn him down.

“I think you do it and it’s something that I tell my girlfriends because … we also don’t need him to go somewhere else,” she said.

“I think that in a marriage you do a lot of things that you may not be in the mood for. Am I really in the mood to cook tonight? Am I really in the mood to listen to your story about work? … No, and so even if I’m not in the mood, I think that as a friend, as a lover, as a partner, you make sure you get in the mood.”

In her book “Moody Bitches,” Holland jokes that sometimes you just have to have sex with your husband “so he’ll get off your back and you can sleep, like literally.”

Thinking that you love your husband and you are going to do this for him and “it won’t be terrible” is OK, she said.

Resentment: A ‘huge libido killer’

Mood is key, though, said Yazel, who is also a mom of a 4-year-old. It’s one thing to not be in the mood and another to not be feeling any desire whatsoever. “No one should do this if they feel bullied,” she said.

Resentment is a “huge libido killer,” said Holland, a mom of two who is also the author of the best-selling memoir “Weekends at Bellevue.”

It is “the flip side of accommodation,” she said. You go from, ‘” ‘OK I can do it, I can do it,’ and then all of sudden, you’re like, ‘No, I’m not going to do this.’ “

What I’ve heard from many women is that sex feels like another item on the lengthy “to do” list: need to take care of the kids, finish up work assignments, get ready for the morning routine, and, oh yes, also have sex with the husband.

“That’s part of where the resentment comes,” said Holland. ” ‘Oh, I have to do this for you and you’re on my to do list,’ but the truth is it’s also for us.”

There are plenty of “feel good neurochemicals” that will “start to bubble up if you have sex and it will help your mood,” she said. “And orgasms absolutely help your mood and they help relax you and they can help you get to sleep.”

So what’s a woman living in a relationship with mismatched libidos to do?

Besides speaking honestly and openly with your partner and being honest with yourself about what you want and how you really feel, Holland also recommends something else.

“I always tell my patients go ahead and just start to have sex because what you may find, which is really true, is that once you’re cuddling and touching, it gets oxytocin going, you get pheromones. You get testosterone. You start to get horny. If you actually just kind of dive in and go ahead and start kissing and cuddling and caressing, you may discover that you actually are in the mood after all.”

What do you think is the best way to deal with mismatched libidos? Share your thoughts withKelly Wallace on Twitter @kellywallacetv or CNN Parents on Facebook.

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May 8th, 2015
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Academic studies can be fascinating… and totally confusing. So we decided to strip away all of the scientific jargon and break them down for you.

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The Background When it comes to casual sex, researchers have long referred back to the seminal 1989 study which suggested that men are more likely to accept a sexual invitation from a stranger than women are. But clever researchers from Johannes Gutenberg-Universita Mainz in Germany didn’t think this painted a fair picture of male vs. female sexual desire — they thought that perhaps the 1989 study left out important cultural context, like the potential for slut-shaming and the possibility of sexual violence that are unfortunately all too real to women. These researchers wanted to see what would happen if they added a bit more nuance to the oft-cited study to find out:Would women be more likely to accept strange men’s sex propositions if they wouldn’t suffer the social repercussions or safety risks?

The Setup To do this, they brought 60 heterosexual men and women into a lab under the guise of testing for an online dating site. Subjects were shown pictures of someone of the opposite sex and told that these men or women had seen his or her picture and were either interested in a date or sex, depending on the condition — meaning: some of the subjects were explicitly told that the people in the photos wanted to have sex with them.

The researchers left them alone to indicate which potential suitors they would date or sleep with. If subjects were interested in sex with any of the people in the photos who also expressed that desire toward them, a date would be arranged — a.k.a., how Tinder is actually supposed to work. Since it was subjects’ potential concern for their safety that made the 1989 study a poor indicator of true willingness to engage in casual sex, the researchers told participants here that they would film the first 30 minutes of the date — in effect ensuring their safety for at least 30 minutes.

The Findings The rates of interest in casual sex were exactly the same for men and women when they were taken off the streets and into a lab that controlled for all of the stigma and potential danger women often face.

The Takeaway Turns out, when you remove societal judgement and safety risks, women are just as DTF as men are. Who knew safe, sex-positive environments were such a turn on for women? Well, hopefully everyone now.

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