Even today, many British women say that they never got enough sexual information from their mothers (and fathers!). So no wonder many UK females are less than satisfied with their love lives.
Here are four facts that you almost certainly weren’t told by your mother. But knowing them could help you to a more enjoyable sex life.
Fact one: climaxing isn’t that easy
For most females, learning to climax is quite a difficult and time-consuming business.
Nowadays, men tend to suggest to women that they should be able to reach orgasm very easily.
The media – and that includes romantic novels and erotic films – often give the same impression. And nowadays the proliferation of porn online has given men some very strange ideas about what is pleasurable for women. In a lot of this material the woman squeaks with orgasmic passion the moment a guy enters her. In real life, this rarely happens.
In fact, intercourse alone is rarely a reliable route to orgasm for women. And it’s normal to prefer to have orgasms before or after intercourse – by means of manual stimulation or oral sex.
Some lucky women can orgasm through intercourse alone. But the majority of females need to rub their own clitoris, or to have their partner do this for them, while intercourse is taking place.
And of course, this isn’t always easy and will depend upon whether or not you’re in a sexual position where one of you can easily touch the clitoris.
Our research shows that the average British female doesn’t start having reliable orgasms until about two years after she first has sex with a man.
However, there are many women who don’t conform to this pattern. For instance, a lot of teenage girls learn to climax on their own – through masturbation – long before they ever go near a man. But in general, the ability to ‘come’ has to be learned over a considerable period of time.
So, if you haven’t managed it yet, don’t be downhearted – because you almost certainly will get there. Some of our patients experienced their first orgasm when they were in their 40s.
Fact two: almost any woman can ‘come’
Practically any woman should be able to have orgasms – and indeed multiple orgasms – if she really wants to.
Back in your mum’s day, sex was still quite a taboo subject and talking about orgasms was even more taboo.
Even as late as the early 1990s, it was widely felt among middle-aged women that for a ‘lady’ to want orgasms, this wasn’t quite ‘nice’. And for her to want multiple orgasms, this was a bit outrageous.
Furthermore, when your Mum was young, many so-called ‘experts’ suggested that multiple orgasms were almost impossible for most females.
However, we now know that:
- virtually any woman can have an orgasm – if her clitoris is stimulated long enough and expertly enough (and of course provided that she’s in the right mood)
- similarly further intense stimulation after the first orgasm will usually produce another.. and another… and another…
We’re not saying that you can achieve all this overnight, but if you stimulate your own clitoris for long enough over a period of time, you’re quite likely to eventually achieve as many orgasms as you like.
Clearly, you can also have multiple orgasms if you have a partner – male or female – who is devoted to giving you pleasure.
Fact three: masturbation is OK
There is nothing wrong with ‘do it yourself sex’.
Indeed, sex experts now agree that masturbation can be enormously useful in helping a woman:
- to learn how to reach orgasm
- to learn how to reach multiple orgasm.
So, don’t hesitate to go for it.
It’s particularly useful and healthy to enjoy masturbation if you are widowed or divorced or single. Masturbation is a lot more reliable and safe than having sex with a stranger.
Fact four: oral sex is OK too
A generation ago, oral sex was widely considered to be something rather ‘dirty’.
One of us worked with a professor of bacteriology who actually refused to process ‘throat swabs’ for sexually transmitted infections – because he couldn’t believe that people were doing such things.
So, your mum probably didn’t tell you that:
- oral sex is a great help to many women in reaching a climax
- it’s helpful to men who have erection difficulties
- for a lot of people (admittedly, not everyone), it’s very enjoyable.
If you haven’t attempted it before, we assure you that it’s well worth a try.
You mum may also have never spelled out to you how desire can fluctuate according to where you are in your menstrual cycle and also depending upon how well you are currently getting on with your partner.
Sustaining a long-term relationship is not just about sex but about companionship and sharing chores and laughing together and so on. All these things can affect our sex lives.
Also, stress and tiredness have big adverse effects on sex.
Your mum may not have known this – let alone have thought to tell you – because perhaps her life was not quite as complicated as yours.
Today’s woman is so often juggling a full-time job, children, elderly parents, maybe step-children and so on – which is an awful lot to cope with. No wonder sex sometimes slips down our list of priorities.
There are a lot of articles in the sex and relationships health centre, which will give you plenty of up to date information on every kind of sex and relationship problem. You are likely to find this more comprehensive than anything your mum told you.